Cheeter.

I must apologize for my absence I have been surprisingly busy. Although I have not yet found a way to stay off the computer. I am starting to think that the so very heavenly summer is more of a penetrable doom. I feel a sense of abandonment between me and my lovely blog, for I have neglected its presence as if it was a toilet. Now that I dip into a deeper pool of thought about toilets, they are not neglected at all.....oh well. Yet my quote "business" is more of me being preoccupied on tumblr. So her is my condolence dear blog if I don't utilize you as much. Just no I am not cheating so forgive me. 

Maturity.

Maybe my unarguable side that has recently sprouted is not me trying to impress. Maybe my helpfulness and patience is not me trying to hard. Maybe it is me maturing. As I grow older the responsibility of adolescence are frequently increasing. As I mature my good and not angry side emerges from the watery depths.  Although this blog is a fleeting moment I find myself happy of how far I have come in the past year. Entering high school may have been my water and my sun that I need to become the flower I am. I pondered on a thought as I washed away my reflection on the car window, is my past truly going away and slowly denigrating. Anything bad or evil that maybe I have done will vanish as if I have done nothing but contribute my 10 cents and left? After all the the only person that expects me to be perfect is myself. So why try so hard. Why not let the water flow rather than build a dam.

Car.

One minute away from being 4. YES the day is almost over so I can die slowly into a deep sleep. I have been waiting so long for this day to be done. Although I have no social life as I have mentioned, I have been looking forward to my warm blankets cuddling me all day. I guess...put the evidence where the mark is I stayed in bed till noon so why not get back in 4 more hours. Well to tell you the truth I am not looking forward to sleeping at all I am looking forward to tomorrow and the bright things it has to offer like...a CAR. Oh yippie jump for joy and the 3 hours I get to be held captive in a metal tube or box or disfigured thing. Whatever it is I am surprisingly existed to have plenty of time to sit in solidarity before asked to unload it just the way I PACKED it. So things may be looking up for at least the weekend.

Breakthrough.

How is it possible that all of any energy can leave a human body? Or is it that my long nights of having no life and watching TV by myself all night. If I were a guy I would say this is dank. Even though I don't know what the hell it means so as my living existence goes to many is 0%. Other than my non-existent social life stands I might have a minor breakthrough tomorrow. I get to depart on a journey to another land where no one has service no one can reach me( not like they would want to but...) in any way possible. THE LOOKOUT TOWER. It brings souls to life with its divine nature and fiery sunsets. In all total honesty I am way existed.    

Moments.

Although life is short it has those unforgettable moments. The ones you hold for quite a while until they suddenly fade into darkness. The ones you desperately try to grasp with every limb  in your body to hold onto it still seems to slip away. It is almost as if the universe has given you a sign of unforgettable hate towards the things that make a person happy. As these memories fade so does my want to even have them. What is the point anyway other than to flaunt the amazing times I had with him last summer. What does it matter that has come and gone and I still have no life. Did I mention its summer again and I find myself sitting precariously in front of my computer screen wondering where it all went.

Live.

The urge for food lingers on the bottom of my belly. I needed some source of protein before my entire self judgement disintegrates. As the minutes tick down to my survival ending I contemplate whether to get out of my padded abyss of heaven or face the unwanted needs for natural necessity. My time was limited I needed to find the decision before my last breath took me into a deep and unwanted sleep. Well enough of my mama drama I am going to get up and leave my heaven for my existence.

Plan.

I have had a realization of how to change sophomore year forever. This will make dreams become fantasies. It will take days to processes this unamaganable theory. This is the answer to every problem I have had with that one MAN. It will not suck, I guarantee...wait no but still, hold on to you unmentionables because I am going to blow your panties off. Now I am going to change the views of many. Rosa and I will practically change places and convince our MEN they got it all WRONG.  

Hate.

As a matter of fact I hate the feeling of knowing that the most disgusting person on the face of the earth feels the same. Now surly barley know him, but what I do know is I don't like him or his smell of pee and dog SH*T mixed with vomit. Now one thing is for sure is that he has graduated from my lovely garden of education and entering his doom of becoming less than a man. For all I care he can jump into a deep abyss of murky cat pee. He will never with emphasis on NEVER be anything more than an ant on my kitchen sink. Although you may think this is harsh, I am in no way overstating anything. Okay maybe the deep abyss, but who cares I could easily do that and know one would care. So as long as I live I will never make or have a place in my heart for that D hole.

Pocket.

As my pants pocket lit up I hoped It would be my one and only love well...not my love yet but in the future I bet he will be...anywho it was not my prince it was in fact my  friend. Although my hopes had been squashed by my internal need for affection and the text from someone else I need a way to get that hoe bag and his perfect wind swooped hair and his greenish brown eyes his lips like a.......wow way to far I need a refresh defresh(restart)..so as a mind blocker exercise I took a walk and bought candy. As a result of my tremendous sugar high I plan to crash in T minus 5.2 minutes.

Gay.

As I ponder on my thoughts I came across something interesting. Keep in mind I never have anything even close to fascinating inside my overly small brain. Back to the point, Moby Dick sucks...okay to be honest it is mildly interring. I find that the many gay adventure that Queequeg an Ishmeal partake in as one of the only factors that keeps me intellecualy interested.  Yet a bigger question is why in the world would I blog about something that half the world disgraces? Which leads me to think why would anyone ever what to read about someone blogging about Moby Dick so why do I waste my time doing this. Wow i just made no sense so I am going to end this torture for every person that is vaguely interested in boring things.

Bed.

As I sit here scratch that... well lay here in my bed I contemplate whether anything will compare to my soft cushion of heaven. Why face the mistakes and perilous journeys that the day has to offer. I mean if I stay in bed no makeup or hair has to be done, people assume you either died or am a teenager  and you have the sick card in with your hand of kings. Although getting out of bed could benefit somethings I presume. I could try to muster up the strength to put the pieces of my social life back together. Or blog more all day. I could read Moby Dick. When faced with reality it hurts like a knife being stabbed at the apex of your heart. The truth is whether I want to face the present my past or my future I would have to get out of this so decadent BED and this truth hurt just as any other UNBARALE truth. So save yourself the pain and don't contemplate just do it even if it hurts.

Ex.

The ex text. The one secretly you want. Wait rewind I don't. Its like this....when they say hi it means I want you back. Which in my perspective is like saying to prevent further injures and fatal death never text back. I mean who do they think they are they had a chance an blew chunks on this piece of a**. So as far as I am concerned I don't need a life I just need clarity. That can tell me when to punch the honey pot. Excuse my vial language.  

The.

I can't believe I just texted him. Haven't I learn that it is never a good  TO TEXT HIM. It is my doom. My lowest point I had to somehow find another way. I wanted to not message or text him but this sudden urge and instinct drew me towards a long slow path of worries. Why is he not responding, does he hate me, maybe hes in the shower. It never ends. Like never. Is there a part of me that wants that bad mystery. A sense of want and desire. Maybe for the next few stages of my life I need to embrace my wants and respect my needs. Not in a pervy way but in a I don't need it way. Maybe this was the start of something new. I can either take a chance or die alone its simple. And for this damsel I knew exactly my answer.

Blocked.

As a solution thins like butter on toast, the inspiration leaves. Who said writing was hard? We all know that the statistics are simple then why the fuck is it hard. I  am faced with writers block yet I keep up a persistent stream of blogs. Now that I think about it the 1% that reads my blog has no knowledgeable thesis of WTF I am saying. Still as my fingers peruse the keys looking for the words that apparently used to cruise effortlessly out of my mouth have gone astray. Yet my writers block stops me from writing I still find answers in all the constadicting notions I have portrayed on paper in the past week. Maybe writing helps me find the words I need not say to my fellow peers. Leading off that maybe the 1% helps me feel secure knowing that I can say things to make me a complete idiot and know one will care.  So as far as writers block goes I hope this intoxicating disease leaves my system within 24 hours.

Parents.

Being trapped in a teenage brain is egsosting. I can remember countless times when I sat around for hours drowning on about how I am going to do my hair. Yet, there is some satisfaction in looking good . The sad thing is I end up never going out. Although the pains of being a teen do not convince me I am normal they help me to find that warm cocoon to lay my head. and in a sense it leaves this uneasy urge to punch a wall. There are benefits..I could say "sorry its that time" or "stupid hormones". That can only get you so far when faced with the point of this entry PARENTS. They demonize your soul before you can say "dada". Some could call it brainwash bu tI call it MANIPULATION. Straight up they ganna be cruel if there not there eggsistance has no point. All the other moms and dads feed on other parents venting about daycare and shit that has no point. So the next time they say "stupid teenagers" I am going to say you are just the same as me. You also PMS at your friends and you also partake in the vicious cycle its life honey.

What.

Sitting in a dark corner does solve problems. Who ever doesn't recommend it has a weird mind thing going on. You have time to reflect on your own ways of messing life up. I am not necessarily saying my life is messed up I mean there is a way to fix things....well maybe not but who said I can't be successful  You can run in a circle your whole life or you can face the fact you suck. Who said life has to be sugar coded. Oh your MOM said that well she sucks to. Wow I am harsh...there is other ways to cure anger it is through love.. i know I could go through every stage of recovery but who would want to who said being me wasn't enough.. I find that life is easier if you contradict  your self. Then know one has a clue whether  you are telling the truth or sugar coding it..it flat out doesn't make any sense. Like just then did you understand anything I told you? The answer is NO. Point made. Unless you are as smart as me you will never be able to find the bottom of this bottle..I hope that the only speck of wisdom you take from this is that I am confusing and I love it-it fuel's my want for living ....also. remember. Sherloaf is bread.

Fate.

For the first time in a while my life felt complete. I was content and proud of my accomplishments of freshman year. If everything was in place then there is bound to be something  UNBEARABLY TRAITOROUS about to happen. It is just the ways of my fate, either I have an mediocre day or a fabulous one that last .2 second. Although my condescending fate controls all decisions I have to be honest I have no power over my brain. Why is it that when I want to date that guy and he likes me back that my friggen fate  throws BIG HUGE mud BALLS in my face..... I guess putting it in a harsher way and in no way over stating it, fate decides to drop 20 atomic bombs on any common sense. Or maybe... its me...hmm... is my own ways of "seduction" scaring every hot guy off the edge of the universe? Well to conclude any further mishaps I must leave you with the sense of hope for my future and a way to continue this life long journey called love wish me luck.

Occupy.

Despite my last view blogs I was looking forward to have a day with nothing. Although the movies and games of solitaire can never service, I need something more to be fully content in life some outlet. Which novelty ideas didn't come every day for me so my opposition were limited  Deep down everyone knew what I wanted.....a lover. I have come to this conclusion before but never as persistent as now. As this feeling linger in my brain I decide to find a way to occupy this missing space with TV (reality) So good luck to me! And farewell to a life with a brain.

Opportunity.

Sometimes you are faced with the most suprising opportunity. When that opportunity is somewhat a D-O-U-C-H-E you may want to rethink what one calls an OPPORTUNITY. I guess it is a nicer way of saying Siyanara to what matters.  Although you don't always get a second chance, it may be the way out. who said highschool was the time not to make mistakes? You may mess up alot or eveeryday but one thing is for sure you can always say "its only highschool". The time for mistakes and for you to crew your life for less than eternity. So why not just go head and TAKE A CHANCE what could happen?

Insane.

Why can't anything go my way. I make a better point than half the people on this universe. So back up because DIS bitch ganna whip yo ass. But for real I needed some way to let feelings out without an emotional breakdown which then turns into a complete disaster. I mean the whole deal crying and shit not the way it should be. Lets get real down and dirty in the facts that things don't always go the way you plan so before I get ahead of myself and become one of those bloging looser...oh wait already happened so really the only thing to loose is my pride that I wear on my left shoulder so it doesn't block my right. Although I know this is nonsensical I have a true feeling that there must be an end. How long can this possible go on? Eventially the world willl see that I need to rule the . With the knolage I have gained from social disstress and how to become a bitch that has feelings, it has and will come in handy when the whole world is under my rule. okay wait, I know what you are thinking and stop because EVERYONE needs to beware this bitch ganna fake it till she makes it.

Him.

As summer is increasingly getting longer and my social life is getting intierly crushed by my inpending doom, I find myself drawing circles in my brain. Of how can that one person never fucking leave. It's like e pendulem going back and forth....I need himm...No I don't...he hates me when will my relentless tourture end? Or will this thing haunt my soul until I admitt to myself I am over him..which in fact is never going to happen, so long to my fantacies maybe I need to become more NORMAL. Normal the talk of the street yet it is something that seems to be impossable. So for the future I need to make sure to be consious that the truth hurts but if its what you need take it and make it define you not defy you.

Spring.

Unlike my maturity spring has come and gone, and I am still stuck in this living hell called pre-adult. Who would have thought that being unbarabley bored all the time could come with consequences like failier to have more than one boyfriend in freshman year...
I may not be the prettiest girl but at least I have some patential to grow out of being a teen and become a flower. Who was I kidding I would never. I am stuck in this time worp of life which evidently keeps REPEATING over and over. So please if there is a way to become a so called "woman" then please tell me....ASAP...Until then who says I can't be free and let spring and summer rain in the best.

Jealousy.

Jealousy. It can be such a bitch. One moment you can be completely in love with someone to learn they love someone else.  A friend as a fucking matter of fact. Tell me one thing, is there such thing as a "girl code". If this so-called thing is real she broke it like he broke my heart.  I mean who says it was okay to date someones ex whether best friend or just a friend all the same. It is straight up B.S. ...

Back to the point jealousy can be a bitch that bites you hard in the ass but overall, I can see that I need someone to make me happy not someone to drag me back.  So as far as sophomore year goes I am hoping to whip some ass and you know find my own way.......

Confused.

Is it for real, or did I get punked big time?  Is it possible that there is no way to be less than invisible.  Sophomore year so close.  Although being invisible wasn't my only option I had to have another way. I know I could just stick out I mean don't I already make a fool of myself around him. I s there anyone else to impress, other than myself.  I mean all the confestions of love he still gave me a nod in the hall or a blink. I officially call this the big time FML.  For the time being, and forever more how about I at least try to be normal.  Although that is not possible maybe changing HIS view of me would help.  Yet that is virtually impossible...

Other than the fact that he thinks I am a complete and utterly failing at everything humanly plazable, I might be able to persuade him. Oh shit never mind I still am that freshie freak. Good luck to me.